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A Letter To The Woman Next To Me On The Train

No Smoking Train Tracks

Dear Ma’am,

While I was sitting on the train minding my own business, listening to my mp3 player that was maybe set a little too loud, I started to feel a cough coming. It was one of those coughs that I tried to swallow and suppress, but that failed miserably when I made that puke-face style of a cough that involved me hacking up a lung and potentially spitting some of my saliva in the direction of the weird looking kids across from me. You tapped my arm and just as I pulled my earphone out you gave me a sound piece of advice, “You should stop smoking.” Rather than sit there and take the advice, I decided instead that the one glass of beer I had was enough for me to go off on a tangent:

“Oh thank you! I noticed that you’re judging me based on the fact I smell like cigarettes and I coughed. Now that I’m reacting to this in a semi-negative tone, you must now be judging me and assuming that I’m a schizophrenic drug addict with a missing left testicle, which is mostly true, but the fact of the matter is you don’t know a thing about me, so allow me to tell you:

My name is Joe Renken and I’m 24 years old. I was born, raised and live in Quincy. I am against drugs and smoking, but on rare occasions, I will join my friends for dinner and will have an after dinner smoke. Tonight was one of these occasions. Now I’m not about to tell you how to live you life or what you should do, but I must say that if you assume I’m a smoker and go so far as to say I should quit smoking based only on a scent and a cough, I must say that in rebuttal, based on everything I know about you, I must assume you’re a nosy bitch who can’t keep to herself and must give her two cents about everything.

Truth of the matter is Continued…

Posted in Boston, Rant.

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Whoever Invented Quotes On Images Deserves To Be Shot

I am on at least seven social networks, including Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr, but there’s one thing that’s been the bane of my fucking existence: people who post pictures with some shitty fucking quote on it. Here’s a prime example:

Walter Winchell

The quotes-on-pictures that are even fucking worse than the above picture are the ones where it is literally just a quote saved as an image. There’s no cute background picture or anything to enforce the quote, it’s literally just a few words that take up an entire fucking screen. Like this:

Robert Tew

It’s not that I entirely hate the ever living shit out of the people that do this, I just want to point out to them how fucking annoying it is to post goddamn quotes on images. Fuck that, posting quotes in general is fucking annoying, because it tells me that these people can’t come up with anything original, so they rely on milking the things someone else wrote in a Continued…

Posted in Photos, Rant.

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Joe Renken Reviews Movies He Hasn’t Seen Yet

Tonight I wanted to write a blog and I couldn’t think of a topic good enough to write about, and somehow that gave me a perfect idea: Write reviews about the popular movies I haven’t seen yet! Here are my reviews for The Avengers, Hunger Games, Cabin In The Woods and John Carter. These reviews are based on the trailers and scenes I’ve seen, as well as what people have told me.

The Avengers:

The Avengers was a super-packed action flick including the greatest superheroes Marvel has to offer, except Marvel’s greatest superhero: Spider Man.

Nobody Invited Spiderman To The Avengers

Because of the lack of Spiderman, that meant Marvel had to bring back The Hulk, who unfortunately wasn’t Hulk Hogan, and that also meant extra screen time for Robert Downey Jr. “Iron Man” being a pompous douchebag. Thor fucking hates the idea of Iron Man taking up all the screen and constantly beats the shit out of Iron Man. Captain America wasn’t too pleased about Iron Man and Thor being jerks, or Hulk breaking everything, so he decided to say “Let’s all team together and fight crime!” No one listened to Captain America because he’s too much of a pretty boy, so they continued to break shit until bad dudes nearly destroyed the Earth. After realizing that Iron Man couldn’t survive in outer space, Thor decided to beat up some bad dudes destroying Earth solely so he could get back to killing Iron Man, Iron Man wanted to one up him and beat up more bad dudes, Captain America claimed that this was his idea all along, and HULK SMASH. Also, they added some superhero you’ve never heard of and put a chick in a tight PVC suit. Somewhere, Spiderman is still crying. 5/10.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games is a great and original movie based on other great and original movies which Hunger Games stole from.

Hunger Games In Paris Battle Royale With Cheese

The Lottery was a story about one person being chosen for death for the benefit of their people. Battle Royale was a Japanese Continued…

Posted in Movies.

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Y U No Like Gay Marriage?

Gay Marriage Y U No Accepted By EveryoneSome of my favorite posts to write are rants that are aimed at people in which I assume only have less than proficient reading and writing skills based on how morally inept they are. Today, I’m taking aim at everyone who is against gay marriage, and specifically, those living in North Carolina who voted against gay marriage, and those who opposed President Obama’s address supporting gay marriage.

If you actively oppose people being gay, because it is moralistically wrong, you suffer from homophobia, or you think a priest can suck a choir boy’s cock, but your neighbors can’t be happily be married, I think you’re a goddamn fool and a fucking moron. You live in the United States of America, you believe in the constitution, and you’re of some religious moral standing, but for some reason, you can’t let your fellow American, your fellow friend be happy. If you honestly go out of the way to oppose two people from being able to say that they legally love each other under the colors of this fine country, then get the fuck out of this country Continued…

Posted in General, Informational, Rant.

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Geico Thinks You’re A Stupid Cunt

Dumb Geico Commercial

Image Source: http://cheezburger.com/177531827

I prefer to use the term “cunt” in this post because it is universally understood as THE WORST WORD you can call anyone, at least with the English language.  Geico, that car insurance company with the lizard thing, assumes you are a retarded fucking cunt and that you will believe any retarded thing posted on a fucking commercial. Watch this commercial and then watch me tear it to fucking shreds:

OH MY DEAR FUCKING GOD. YOU’RE MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME, RIGHT? Geico honestly believes that we’re going to judge how good a car insurance company is based on some bullshit mall food court taste test? Geico: “Did you know that you can judge car insurance on taste, and that we taste fucking good? Yeah, your baby can taste how fucking good we are!” This commercial is about as accurate as any statement the Koch Brothers make. There is no merit to this goddamn commercial. Shit, if I pour a glass of Mountain Dew in one cup and label it ‘Joe Renken Has A Blog’, then pour a glass of Battery Acid in another cup and label it ‘Every Other Shitty Blog’, of course you’re going to pick the Mountain Dew, but do you honestly fucking think that means the content of the blog’s being judged? NO, IT FUCKING MEANS YOU DON’T LIKE THE BURNING SENSATION OF BATTERY ACID IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH Continued…

Posted in Failure, Rant, Videos.

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28 Seeds: Apocalypse Soon!

28 Seeds is an epic radio show, turned comic book, turned musical, that is about the end of the world. It’s incredibly dark and scary, yet remains comical and heavily realistic. As the opening song of the play states, “This is how we end ourselves,” and the main structure of the play follows current social distastes, which include: political deceit, scientific abuse, and our absolute hatred of Canada.

The play starts with our learning of an incoming asteroid on a crash course to Earth known as “Palehorse.” Taken quite literally, this is a social question that has fascinated me since I first heard of the concept on a Discovery Channel special years ago: If you were a scientist and found an asteroid on a crash course that would inevitably destroy the Earth, would you tell the general public? If I were that scientist, I would not tell the public. Although it would be a justice to humanity to warn them of impending doom, I don’t think it would do us good, because I’m convinced we’d all kill each other than try to save humanity. However, like I said, that’s taking the “asteroid” literally.


Palehorse, the “asteroid,” is a metaphor for the impending doom on the political world, because of our government’s misappropriation of scientific discoveries, secretive weapon expansion, and general deceit. When the general public, the majority, the 99%, grows a distaste from what the government and special interests groups, the minority, the 1% makes for us: we stand up, we speak out and we fight back. Anonymous, Occupy, Palehorse. Our rockets designed to fly us to the moon were taken and hollowed out to fire nukes across the globe. We had the H1N1 outbreak. The government promised we’d be fine. In 28 Seeds, the “Peace Ray” designed to destroy the Palehorse asteroid was misappropriated and used to wipe out half of the southern hemisphere. The H.Pig flu caused us to bleed out through our eyes. We’re told we’ll be fine. Really what 28 Seeds is telling us is that there has been an answer to all the political problems all along: listen to your citizens. The government’s failure to listen allowed Palehorse, Anonymous, Occupy to come closer, grow larger, and inevitably strike.

But let’s not think that this play is pessimistic view on society and it’s a sad tale of our lives, because that’s a very, very wrong and unfair view on the play. In reality, this play is hilarious. The general of the US Army is a wild sex fiend, Hannah Monenegro is an over the top enthusiastic (and very horny) morning talk show host, Madame President is an insane Red Queen, Jojo reads panty poems, science is all around, music fills the air, FUCK CANADA AND WILL SOMEONE GET ME A SCIENTIST TO FLIP THAT FUCKING SWITCH. 28 Seeds has the perfect amount of laughter, scantily clad performers, music and a futuristic dystopia.

Check out the sneaky video I took and all the photos, and use the discount code “ERB” to get 50% off your tickets at armyoftoys.com to the last three shows of 28 Seeds this Thursday 5/10, Friday 5/11, and Saturday 5/12.

Love,
Joe

Have a question? Email: joe@joerenken.com or message Joe on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/Renken


Posted in Boston, Friends, Music, Photos, Shows, Videos.

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Tomorrow I Start A Food Adventure

Tomorrow is decidedly the first day of my experiment Eat Something Different Every Meal For A Month. The TL;DR on this is that for 31 days, I cannot repeat a single meal, nor can I repeat a drink or desert. That means only one Mountain Dew for the month, and I want to cry just thinking about that, however, I can lengthen the pain by stretching out to Code Red, Voltage, Diet, Diet SuperNova, and White Out Mountain Dew varieties. Realistically, I have more than three drinks a day, so all the Mountain Dew varieties will only last me, oh, two days Continued…

Posted in General, Home.

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“Hipster Racism” Is A Terrible Concept

Hipster Racism Is A Terrible Concept

I read this post on Jezebel “A Complete Guide To Hipster Racism,” and then promptly decided I hate living and I should hang myself in a closet with barbed wire. “Hipster Racism” is a sad attempt at saying that there are various things we do or say during the day that, even though they’re light-hearted, they’re still incredibly racist. Examples of “Hipster Racism” include white girls using the Twitter hashtag #ThugLife, calling IHOP “ghetto,” saying “It sucks to be white,” and wearing Navajo patterned panties.

“Hipster Racism” isn’t a term used to define people who may be closet racists like the author of that post is trying to claim, “Hipster Racism” is an excuse for someone to call someone else a racist. It’s a pathetic ploy to try to make everything seem like it’s racist and is comparable to the stupidity surrounding the people who thought “Jeremy Lin is The Knicks Good Fortune (Cookie)” was racist. The main argument was “That’s racist, fortune cookies weren’t even invented in China,” but they all seem to ignore the fact Jeremy Lin was born in L.A. The Jeremy Lin-Fortune Cookie poster was not racist, the guy who yelled, “Sweet And Sour Pork,” to Jeremy Lin was racist. The Lin poster is what the Jezebel post wants to call “Hipster Racism,” but is what we commonly refer to as a “Stereotype.”

Do you know what my favorite Stereotype is? Sony.

Stereotypes are popular beliefs about specific people, how those beliefs are interpreted determine whether it’s positive or negative. Racism on the other hand, “is generally understood as either belief that different racial groups are characterized by intrinsic characteristics or abilities and that some such Continued…

Posted in Friends, Home, Informational, Rant.

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A Letter To My Local Doctor

WebMD Ask A Doctor

Dear Doctor,

I would like to give you my direct comments about how I feel you did in diagnosing my broken nose last week. Firstly, I would like to commend you for going through medical school and taking all that time it did in order to be a doctor. I can only assume that medical school must have been incredibly difficult. Secondly, I appreciate that you decided to work in a community health center to help as many patients as possible, instead of becoming a specialist doctor that milks money from health insurance companies. Thirdly, the speed in which you diagnosed my problem was very fast and that’s great for my busy schedule. Lastly, I understand that you’re a new doctor to the community health center, so I’d like to give you a short bit of feedback about the service you provided me.

In case you’ve forgotten who I am, I am a patient that came to visit you about my broken nose. Now, I assume that I have a broken nose based of what I can physically feel and what I’ve read on WebMD. I can assum you know of WebMD and that it will say something like, “your symptoms include the side effects from a cold, the flu, or AIDS.” I was afraid that I could have extensive damage done to my nose based on the paranoia that WebMD induced me with: Either I have mild swelling which is blocking one of my nasal passages, or it’s from a deviated septum, or worse, brain damage. I felt that the best idea would be to get a professional opinion from a doctor Continued…

Posted in Uncategorized.

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Eat Something Different Every Meal For A Month: This MAY Be Difficult

Eat Something Different Every Meal For A Month

All Oliver Twist wanted in that factory lunchroom was “some more.” Some more of what though? More of that slop? Disgusting! I forget who I heard it from, but I know it came from a famous person in my Science Fiction class. They said something along the lines of, “When did we accept having the same cup of coffee every morning and eating the same food every week?” Something dangerous occurred after this: I started thinking. Why do we drink the same drink everyday? Why do we eat the same food every week? Well, I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not gonna take it anymore! Or at least for one month.

Introducing you to my newest life project: Eat Something Different Every Meal For A Month! I’m going to start this project on May 1st, and pray I can last the whole month. Here’s the plan: I’ll eat (and as a kicker, drink) something different every meal for a whole month, and I won’t duplicate it. The only exception, which should be a given, is water. That means if on the morning of May 1st I have a chocolate donut (doughnut?) and a Mountain Dew for breakfast: I can’t have another chocolate donut or Mountain Dew for the rest of the month. This routine will continue all month, or until I die. It’s very simple Continued…

Posted in General, Home, Informational.

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