Wahlburgers Was Disappointing

I finally cracked and made it out to Wahlburgers to try out their burgers, and let me say that I’m mostly disappointed by pretty much every single aspect of the experience. The prices are a trap, the burgers are surprisingly small, the menu is tiny, it’s nowhere near Boston, the text/call seating system doesn’t shut the hell up, Markie Mark/Donnie/Camera crews were nowhere in sight, and the bar isn’t even stacked to the brim.


Let’s start with the saving graces of the place:

  1. Two Ordering Styles: One side is the classic sit-down restaurant where you’re served by a waitress, and the other side is a burger bar where you can stand and order while you watch the cooks make the burger. When I went, I sat at the end of an eight-top table with my friend, and there was a group of four on the far end of the eight top table with an empty chair between us and them. This would seem weird, but it gave the restaurant a welcoming family feel sitting at a table with a bunch of randoms. I think that’s the point of Wahlburgers?
  2. Cheap Booze: The other saving grace was that my friend ordered a giant Long Island Iced Tea that we were only charged $5.50. Amazing.

However, all that being said, there’s a diatribe of issues I have with Wahlburgers:

  1. Price: Burgers are about $6-$8 a piece, which sounds like a great deal, but factor in the soda is $2, and the fries come on the side at $3.15… And it’s not a big thing of fries either, there these tiny little noodle fries that probably came from the bargain bin at a local supermarket. The amount of fries is comparable to a small or medium at McDonald’s, so not a whole lot for the price and quality of the fry. That being said: a burger, fry, and soda at Wahlburgers is going to run you about $13, not including tip.
  2. Burger Size: The burgers were really, really small for the price. I think they’re supposed to be 1/3 pound burgers, but I was still very hungry after eating my burger, fries, and some of my friends tots. I wasn’t completely satisfied. The burger itself was delicious, I ordered “Donnie’s Choice,” which is a BBQ burger with bacon, jalapenos, guacamole, and government cheese. That sounds like it should have been a beefy punch to the stomach, but instead it was a very light pat on the tummy.
  3. Menu Is Bare: There are options to customize the burgers there, and there’s a pretty decent kid’s menu, but for the most part, Wahlburgers doesn’t have a heck of a lot of options to order from. It’s basically Donnie’s Burger, Markie’s Burger, or Paul’s Burger. For the kid at heart, there are tots available instead of fries, but again the quality and portion are so not worth the price.
  4. It’s Nowhere Near Boston: The main attraction of Wahlburgers is that it’s the food and story of the Wahlbergs. Except it’s really not. Once you’re in the restaurant, it feels like any other burger bar, and there’s nothing really there to make it feel like I’m actually living the life of Mark or Donnie. Wahlburgers is also located at the premium shops in the Hingham Shipyard, not exactly the “rough streets” of Dorchester, and about 13 miles away.
  5. That Stupid Text/Call System: A kitschy thing about Wahlburgers is that they use a text message alert system to let you know when your table’s ready. If you’re taking a few minutes too long, they’ll call you to remind you that your table is ready, and the call even asks “Press 1 if you’re on your way to the restaurant.” This seems cool, right? It kind of is, except it ended up being annoying as hell. Two text messages within six seconds of each other to alert me my table is ready. Thirty seconds later my phone rings to inform me my table is ready, I answer and press 1 to let them know I’m literally across the street at Hingham Beer Works, but my phone rings again right after I hang up. Then my phone rings again. I had already pressed 1 to tell them I was coming, but literally my phone exploded and it didn’t even let me have 60 seconds to walk across the street to the restaurant.
  6. Markie and Donnie Are Not There: If Wahlburgers is supposed to prize itself on being about the lives of Markie Mark and Donnie, there should be a boxing ring in the center of the place and live fights going on, or a group of southie thugs yelling at Dorchester brats the whole time. This place just felt like a burger bar, there was nothing that made me thing of Mark or Donnie or the Wahlbergs at all. Sure, sitting at the same table as someone else reminds me of a family dinner, but there isn’t a single thing here making me believe that family is the Wahlbergs.

I guess my complaint is that I was expecting this place to somehow be about the Wahlbergs and Mark and Donnie and Paul, but it was basically any other place on the map. If this was any other place, I wouldn’t exactly have a problem with any of the issues I’ve addressed, but to put a celebrity label to the restaurant and have a TV endorsement, then it needs to be understood there are higher expectations that I completely expect to be met to make this pilgrimage worth my goddamn time.

This trip wasn’t worth my time, or money. Maybe if they put a boxing ring in there or play episodes and movies of the Wahlbergs, I might change my mind. Until that point, this is any old burger place with a fatter price tag.


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Why Do I Want To Eat At Wahlburgers?


I can’t say I’ve seen an episode of Wahlburgers, but recently all I can think of is how badly I want to eat there, because I am convinced it is the epitome of the Douchebag South Shore Kid That’s Pretends He Grew Up In The Tough Streets of Southie.

I was at work when one of my coworkers mentioned he wanted to go to Wahlburgers. He assumed it was in Boston, because it’s Boston themed restaurant from the tough streets of Boston, and only serves its burgers with Government Cheese. From their website, they even sprout this:

“Welcome to Wahlburgers – one of the best restaurants in Boston. With unique burger recipes and custom cocktails (wahlcoctions), it’s easy to see why we have an upcoming A&E reality show! If you wanna have a good time at a fun burger restaurant in Boston, MA, make your way to Wahlburgers, where the fun never stops!”

Wahlburgers is not Read the rest of this entry »

My Levi’s 514™ Jeans Are Pretty Sweet.

The other day, I think I was Tuesday, I went home to do some laundry before I had dinner plans at a place to be determined. Internet dating is awesome, let me tell you. It had been a while since I last washed my clothes, I normally do it every Tuesday, but because of a slight change in the work schedule, I ended up not working the previous Tuesday, thus, I didn’t do laundry.

Dinner went fine, or whatever, but I didn’t put my clothes away after I came back to the apartment. No, I didn’t keep my laundry in the car when I went to dinner, I left it at the house and went back for it after dinner. Yes I do my laundry at home, it’s an excuse to see my dogs and actually talk to my parents. I had all day yesterday to put my clothes away, but I was too lazy and had dinner plans that night as well (not an internet date), so my fresh clothes sat in the room another night waiting to be hung back up in the closet and stuffed into drawers.

I put all my laundry away: pairs upon pairs of socks, heaps of underwear, a plethora of shirts, but there was a distinct lack in the amount of clean pants in the laundry. Read the rest of this entry »

A Shaw’s Survey Response

Joanne was the most amazing person ever. When I was checking out my groceries, she noticed that I was purchasing some Old Spice Pure Sport deodorant, and she said that was a great scent. Little does she know that this was the deodorant that not only my father, but also my grandfather used to wear, so it means a lot to me that such a nice person likes the quality of the deodorant that I purchased.

Not only that, but she double bagged my groceries, which was super sweet of her. Noticing that I had not one, but two cans of vegetarian chili, as well as two sharp edged boxes of Cheez-Itz and pasta, she knew the combined weight of the cans of chili coupled with the edges of the boxes could have caused a disastrous spill that could have sent my very precious cargo of Old Spice Pure Sport to the ground. I know I entered the store with my own backpack on, and I easily could have held the Old Spice Pure Sport in my bag, or even in my hand, but it’s so much more convenient when a great employee like Joanne is able to just bag my items so perfectly, that I don’t need to go out of my way to take care of my precious deodorant.

My satisfaction with the store and her service is outstanding, and she should be awarded some sort of medal or award for her outstanding service.


Joe’s radio(wordpress) silence.

So the transmissions shall be renewed…. but slowly.
What else are friends for, if not renewing your foot in mount trouble scenarios from thousands of miles away.


Ta ta,